Monsoon

Second day of the monsoon. Rain so thick it's sticky. Clinging to my pant legs as I trod off to school.

Rain, it should bring out my inner child. I should be playing in puddles. But this rain is cold and grey, and it deepens this silence.

Scott stayed over last night, it was more therapy than a visit. The talk lasted for hours. Hearts open and wounds revealed, he was a messenger. The message, something I have always known but haven't had the courage to do. Soon I tell myself, soon.

I am lost and being spun in the tide. Will I find my inspiration to swim with all my heart, or will I continue to float? Some people float all their lives. They see things, meet people, float on.
2 years of convincing myself that my accomplishments here define my purpose, define my being. 2 years of putting off having to actually do what I came here to do. With one foot in one door and one foot in the other I am stuck in the door frame. Half.

I want to be whole.

In the back of my head my mind is whispering "relax, take your time, you are young, you have plenty of time, the answers will come soon".

In reality there is a priest that has been waiting since November for me to visit. I do not know how much longer he will wait.

For 2 years there have been people waiting for me to figure out what I love, who I love. Has their wait been a lost cause?

I keep telling myself the answers are coming. But there are no answers coming. Specially if I do not take courage and ask.

Courage.

Soon...